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War of The Worlds Mockview

CAST: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Justin Chatwin, and Tim Robbins
DIRECTED BY: Steven Spielberg
*READ* Note that this is a mock review, which means some things I write may have not really happened in the movie, I was just making fun of it. But for the most part my review is accurate and it's full of SPOILERS

    So here is the plot of the movie. Ray (Tom i'm a woman whose had a baby fall from my crotch so I can truly say there is no such thing as postpartum depression Cruise) <-- not that that has anything to do with my critical analysis of the movie, I just think he's full of BS for his views on depression and that whole area.
But anyways, Ray a complete asshole who only cares about himself and drives like a 16 year old kid whose just gotten his licence has to endure his bratty children Rachel but lets just call her Screech face and Robbie (Dakota Fanning, and Justin Chatwin) for a weekend while his ex wife and her new (RICH) husband go to her parents house in Boston. Before it even gets into the actual plot the 2 kids are already stereotypically mapped out. Screech face is a weird extremely emotionally damaged hypochondriac kid who thinks she is a hippie from the 80's and at 11 is already having severe anxiety attacks. And Robbie is the typical rebellious brooding mute son who only chooses to speak when he is feeling extra broody. Yup what you got here are products of the "ME" generation (The father included). So after showing what a good father he is NOT, Ray ignores his kids and goes to sleep. When Ray wakes up his son is gone, because he stole his car and his daughter is eating food that only a 60 year old hippie would eat, she might as well be smoking drugs and having the sex too. Ray quickly stops caring about his unlicensed son out joy riding and is suddenly more concerned with trying to kill his daughter in a lightning storm. Ray comes to his senses when the lightning almost strikes his crotch and runs in the house with Screech Face starting her trade mark screeching that we soon learn we have to endure through out the entire movie. (Ouch) With that Ray suddenly realizes that, yes all the power is out. But before he comes to that full realization, because seeing that all the power is off is not enough, he goes and tries all the light switches and checks the fridge to see if anything will turn on. It is soon apparent that everything that is electrical has stopped working, watches, cars, clocks, lights. Which is fine, cept for the fact they had a major inconsistency and showed some dude with a working video camera about 20 minutes later. If everything electrical even battery operated things had stopped working, that would have too.

     So Ray being the great hero he is, leaves his daughter alone in his house and goes outside to see what is going on and he runs into his son Robbie who is magically at his place telling him that there is a hole in the ground somewhere in the middle of town(his son seems to do this alot, just magically show up at places). Ray tells Robbie to go in his house immediately and shows again what a great father he is by threatening to physically abuse him and perform various acts of sexual violence upon Robbie's butt in front of all his neighbours. Then Ray runs off to investigate the weird hole Robbie was telling him about. Ray is soon joined by Hommie weirdo hair, and Hommie white bread who are, I am assuming his posies from his gang that they never talk about. So all the stupid people gather around the weird hole in the ground and even when the road starts breaking apart and a church is destroyed (Which is a huge nod to "MUWAHAH Not even God can save you now.") they still stand there watching while some weird alien machine comes out of the ground. Ray almost has his crotch eviscerated again but the guy never learns. So this huge thing is standing there and still the people stand and look and some even "ohh, and aww" and point saying "Look at the pretty lights". Yeah ok, pretty sure I would have been running away screaming for my life long before the alien thing ever emerged from the ground. So nobody seems to care really until the Alien thing starts shooting and evaporating humans and causing their clothes to just go flying everywhere. Then they all run. Some how, either because he was a former pro football Quarterback, or because the script is just so far beyond gay that they allow him to survive under impossible circumstances, Ray manages to dodge all the lazes and escape the evil alien machine. And I would like to add he seems to be the only one who does. Ray then goes home and sits under his table and Tom Cruise does his best to look like he's had a total psychotic break, but of course he doesn't think such things occur so he pretty much looks constipated. Screech Face screeches and Robbie broods. When Ray finally looks like he's passed a brick he stands up and tells his kids to get food and leave the house. They don't understand, but they can tell by the look on their dad's face that outbreak of SARS is back, and they must out run it. Ray leaves but doesn't forget his (I have to once again show the audience that I AM American and not ruin the stereotype) hand gun he keeps hidden in a box under his bed. Then he shoves it in the back of his pants, like an experienced gang member and leads his kids to a van that isn't his. Screech faces inquires about whose van it is, and he just tells her to shut up. Suddenly there is an explosion and Ray takes off in the Van with Screech face screaming and Robbie Brooding and everything behind them being destroyed. It's then when Screech Face asks if they are being attacked by terrorists and it is then when I throw my hands up and laugh out loud. Because it's so typical to blame anything that happens on terrorists. You'd think they could have kept the pro-poor me always attacked by terrorists american propaganda out of this movie.

    And now to sum up the next hour and a half of the movie in a few lines. Ray drives, Robbie Broods, Screech Face screeches, has a mental break down and then screeches some more. They go to the kids big huge house, but no mom. Ray makes them all supper and tries to kill screech face by feeding her peanut butter when it is clear she is allergic. (Damn, he had such a good plan too. Too bad she is too smart for him) The house is blown up, but they survive. Screech Face screeches in the process. They drive some more, Screech face screeches and Robbie broods. (Beginning to see a pattern?)Then Screech face needs to pee. They stop, but instead of just going pee, she has to run away deep into the woods. And just when you didn't think Screech face could get any more traumatized then she already is, she sees 100 dead people floating down the river. You think something like that would put someone as emotionally delicate as that into a shock coma but no, just our luck. Ray Saves her from the evil army of dead people floating down the river and then finds Robbie trying to hitch a ride with the USA army who are going to go kill themselves for their country to fight off evil aliens. Ray screams at him and drags him back to the car and forces him to drive so he can get some beauty sleep. They drive till they run into a crowd of people who break their van go psycho and throw them out of it and steal it. Then Ray tries to be American and starts shooting his gun off but forgets he is in the USA and someone else with a gun holds it to his head and steals the van. HAHA I bet you wish they didn't have that whole right to bear arms now do you. But anyways, so they are careless, Screech Face screeches and Robbie Broods. They make it to a town with a boat. Stuff happens, they get on the boat it's like titanic all over again. Except people are fighting to get on the boat not off of it. But then it does a 360 and turns into the Titanic we all know and love and the boat sinks. But Gosh, Ray and his super twerps survive. Damn, and I thought we had finally gotten rid od Screech Face. They escape and walk more, then more things happen, and Robbie once again wants to run off with the army.

    Robbie and Ray fight, some psycho lady tries to steal Screech Face she screeches. Ray and Robbie fight more and this conversation ensures:

Ray: "No son of mine is going to be gay!"
Robbie: "Let me go I have to go, I have to do this!"
Ray: "No you don't! Why? Why would you do this?!
Robbie: "You! Don't you see! It's your fault! You touched me in my bathing suite area when I was little!"
Ray: *thinking* Damn I thought he was sleeping
Robbie: "This is my time, my time to come out of the closet and be all I can be!"

The acting is so bad I want to puke, and Tom Cruise keeps looking like he's going to shit himself and all the while I secretly wish that women would just steal Screech face forever. But alias no, Ray finally lets Robbie brood off to his certain death by going toward the war, which is where the freaken camera's should have been going too. But no, to totally ensure that the title is not really War of the words and really War of Tom Cruise trying to show that he can act. Ray goes and saves Screech face from psycho woman who even though heard Screech face screech and repeatedly point and say her dad was just up ahead beating the crap out of her brother looks at Ray and goes "Oh I am sorry I thought she was alone". Then suddenly everything in Robbie's direction blows up in one huge nuke like explosion and yes he is most certainly dead. Ray takes Screech face who is screeching and wondering where Robbie is and gets into the basement of a old farm house with Tim Robbins in a wife beater. Where the next half hour of the movie is wasted. Screech face screeches, Ray fights with a psycho Tim Robbins who keeps trying to kill the aliens and finally kills him. Then a alien scares Screech face and she runs out of the basement and gets captured by Aliens. And you think this is finally the end for her, but go GOD NO. Ray goes and saves her and a bunch of people and ends up blowing one of the alien ships up in the process.

    Finally it's the end of the movie and they have made it to Boston, which looks like a nuke went off in it, and Ray and Screech face are going toward where they think the mom is. And suddenly it seems like the alien's are dying. And Ray is like "WTF". Then we see a bunch of birds harassing one of the alien ships and the army decides to shoot it and it blows up and an alien comes out and then dies. Then it's what you've been waiting for, the end, the conclusion it's like a long drawn out painful like you've been constipated for weeks version of Homeward Bound. Against all odds the dogs have made it, cept Shadow (aka Robbie)poor faithful Shadow. The mom runs out of the house, and she is smiling screech face screeches and runs toward her. Then new husband comes out and grandma and grandpa, then just when I didn't think this movie could get any more retarded Robbie runs from the house totally intact and toward his father. UM... ok... WTF... you half expect his ex wife and everyone behind her to start screaming "Smile! You're on candid camera!" Cause you know, I wouldn't put it past the bitch to set all that up just to make her ex husband a better father and person. And well Damn lady, it worked.

    But no, it wasn't candid camera, the movie was just retarded and for some unexplainable reason Robbie escaped being blown to ash and magically appeared in Boston. And His mom and new husband and everyone are all alive and well. I guess Aliens are not allowed to kill main characters of movies. Damn I wish I belonged in their union.

    So it turns out guns and bombs and giant penises and balls didn't stop the aliens. In fact it turns out they would have stood a better chance sneezing on them. Yeah... the common germs on earth is what killed the aliens... I throw my hands up. This movie is one big mess and all Tom cruise had to do was snot all over an alien or touch it with the hand he keeps so far shoved up his ass that it's infected with bacteria and feces and it would have died...poof.

    And that is the movie... I never want to see a movie with Dakota Fanning in it ever again. Her screech gave me nightmares.

Past Reviews

Cronicles of Riddick
The Matrix Revolutions mockview
The Stepford Wives

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